Day 14 - Examining my Fearful List
Today I am picking up where I left off yesterday and I am examining my fearful list to identify one thing I can move from it to my Brave or Fearless list. Although worrying about what others think of me hasn’t been a catalyst for adapting “following” behaviors, a lot of the anxiety I experience may be the result of allowing myself to feel pressure from others’ expectations and perceptions of me.
Only once can I remember allowing peer pressure to get the better of me. When I was twenty-four years old and attending my final semester at Wichita State University, I participated in a weeklong field study in Central America. Several of my classmates from a cultural anthropology course traveled to Belize to learn about the cultures of Mayan natives living in rural parts of the country.
While on the trip, we hiked with natives to the top of a beautiful waterfall. The water flowed off a cliff into a body of water nearly thirty feet below. The native boys on the hike decided to entice us into joining in a risky venture – cliff diving.
The distance from the top of the cliff to the basin of water was not what bothered me because I have never been afraid of heights. I do not enjoy being submerged in water; showers are the only exception. Without the assistance of glasses, I am visually impaired. I am physically vulnerable when I can’t see what’s going on around me which causes me to become anxious.
Everyone in the hiking party from my anthropology group decided to take the leap. I chose to stay behind the Mayan girls who wore beautiful dresses and didn’t want to get them wet or dirty. I didn’t think it would be a big deal but as soon as I was alone at the top of the cliff with the girls, they began to make fun of me.
They didn’t understand my fear. I tried to explain to them that I didn’t like the idea of my vision being compromised in the middle of a jungle. One of the girls assured me that no one would let me get hurt or leave me behind and offered to hold onto my glasses if I would take the leap. The other girls laughed.
After a few more minutes of hesitation, I decided ‘what the heck?!’ I couldn’t let my fear keep me from this experience, I was going to jump. I took off my glasses, handed them to the girl, and began to walk toward the ledge. My hiking mates were all in the water below, cheering me on.
I took a couple of deep breaths and pushed off from the ledge. I fell so quickly. I didn’t have much time for fear before plunging into the depths of the still, murky water. As I fought my way back to the surface, arms and legs pushing against the weight of the water, I felt exhilarated. I did it.
Reliving this sixteen-year-old memory still causes my heart to race and my breathing to shallow. I am so glad that I have experienced cliff diving and I am happy to leave that activity to those who are younger and more nimble than I am.
Here is a photo of the cliff where I leapt from, with a splash below where I landed. I’m glad one of the girls at the top of the waterfall caught it on camera. The photo is blurry because I was playing with the settings earlier in the trip and accidentally lowered the resolution. Every dang photo in Belize is just like this one. #winning
The edge of the cliff.
